


Beard Wars

by wilfredthepickle



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Beard envy, Beards, Crack, Gen, I'm going to hell for this and so are you for clicking on it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-29
Updated: 2015-04-29
Packaged: 2018-03-26 09:43:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3846220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wilfredthepickle/pseuds/wilfredthepickle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Morgan grows a beard. Hotch wants one too. A fierce beard battle ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Beard Wars

It was a cold Tuesday morning when Morgan first came into work with _the beard_.

Sure, Morgan had had beards before then - for ten years prior to what the BAU now calls _the beard incident_ , he had a kind of goatee that was almost a beard, but not quite a beard. Trying to be a beard. _Pretending_ to be a beard.

This beard, however, was different. Nay, this beard was _glorious_.

Every single hair within the realm of the beard was washed, combed and otherwise groomed to perfection. There was nary a single hair out of place, nor one that was too coarse, or too soft. It highlighted what many called Morgan's Heroic Chin perfectly, completely flawless in every regard. This beard was the beard that other beards would envy and cry themselves to sleep over, if beards were sentient.

At least, that's what Morgan himself thought. But he was sure reception to it would be all positive.

**o o o**

"It's so… _nice_ ," JJ said with awe, stroking Morgan's cheek. "I'm gonna have to get you to spill all your secrets to Will, his beard has been lacking for a while now."

"How'd you grow that thing _overnight_ , anyway?" Reid asked, a slightly confused expression on his face.

Morgan flashed him one of his trademark toothy grins. "I'm just _very_ masculine."

"Yeah, so masculine you're constantly checking to see if it looks okay in your phone's front camera," Kate remarked, her smirk growing as Morgan put down his phone with a pained expression.

"That's not how beards work," Reid frowned, but Morgan ignored them as he headed back up the bullpen stairs.

"You're just upset because nobody could ever grow a beard like this," he called out as he headed away.

From inside Hotch's office, someone clenched their fist with envy.

**o o o**

When Reid first walked in, Hotch was standing facing the window, fingers stroking his chin in thought.

The younger agent's eyebrows rose. "You wanted to see me, sir?" he asked cautiously. Hotch turned to face him, nodding.

"Oh, yes. Reid, take a seat." His boss stepped into his own seat and gestured to the chair opposite invitingly. Reid obliged, cautiously sitting down.

There was silence for a few seconds before he cleared his throat awkwardly. "So…why did you call me into your office?"

Hotch shrugged. "I just thought that we haven't had a chance to talk properly about something non-work related, and as your superior I feel that it's important that I know how you're doing."

Reid blinked. "Oh…well, if you're asking, the cold water pressure in my apartment hasn't been that great recently, and it's just such a hassle when you're trying to take a shower and you have to turn the hot water all the way up and leave it just to get some cold water, although it probably has something to do with the fact that a neighbour took out the cylinder and replaced it with a bean bag - actually that's definitely it, I don't really know what I was thinking letting her get anywhere near my plumbing much less my apartment to be honest-"

"He's got a good beard, doesn't he?"

Reid stopped abruptly. "Excuse me?"

"His beard. Do you like it?"

"I-I'm sorry, whose beard?"

"Morgan's beard," Hotch replied somewhat impatiently.

"Oh, Morgan's beard? It's…it's just a beard. I don't really know if it's good or not, I'm not really an expert at beard fashion. I'm not really an expert at _any_ kind of fashion-"

"Do you like it?"

"Hotch? You're scaring me."

Hotch stared at him unblinkingly for a few tense moments. Then, he relaxed and sank back down into his seat. "I'm sorry," he sighed,, folding his arms. "I've just been so on edge lately."

"The razor's edge?" Reid deadpanned. Hotch gave him an unamused glare. "Sorry, it was too obvious to let it slide," he muttered, ducking his head in embarrassment. "You know what I think you need? A change."

"A change of appearance?" Hotch prompted.

"…Yeah, sure. Whatever…whatever makes you happy," Reid finally shrugged.

Hotch gave him a rare smile. "Thank you," he said, slowly spinning around in his chair until he was facing the back of the room. "Excellent."

Reid gulped.

**o o o**

It was a cold Wednesday morning when Hotch first came into work with _the beard_.

Sure, Hotch had had beards before then - back when he was in Afghanistan when Prentiss was M.I.A, he'd had a pretty nice beard. Jack had hated it of course, but this beard was different. Nay, this beard was _glorious._

Every single hair within the realm of the beard was washed, combed and otherwise groomed to perfection. There was nary a single hair out of place, nor one that was too coarse, or too soft. It highlighted what many called Hotch's Heroic Sideburns; perfectly, completely flawless in every regard. If Morgan's beard was a slightly-worn Mercedes, then Hotch's beard was a brand new Ferrari.

At least, that's what Hotch himself thought. But he was sure reception to it would be all positive.

Except for Morgan, of course. Morgan would hate it, that narcissistic bastard. But Hotch loved his new beard, and didn't give a damn about what Morgan would say.

**o o o**

Morgan had stormed into Hotch's office about an hour ago, and the shouting match hadn't lowered in volume since.

"This is _incredibly_ embarrassing," JJ muttered, leaning against Reid's desk where the younger agent was - unsuccessfully - trying to start his day's paperwork.

"How can they still be arguing about their beards? What about beards could they not cover in the hour they've already been arguing?"

" _Arguing_ is not a strong enough word for what those two are doing," JJ replied, rolling her eyes. "This is an all-out war."

Kate paused to look around. "Where's Rossi?"

"He's too embarrassed to come out of his office," JJ informed her, gesturing to Rossi's own office. Through the tightly pulled blinds, they could faintly see him filling out paperwork and stealing occasional glances next door to Hotch's office, seemingly waiting for them to stop.

"Poor Rossi. His last years in the BAU may be spent listening to two alpha males arguing about their facial hair," Kate said with mock sympathy.

" _You're using beard extensions, dammit!"_ came Morgan's enraged voice.

"Beards don't _work_ like that!" Reid yelled across the bullpen in frustration.

"I feel like someone should be filming them up close and David Attenborough should be providing informative commentary about their species," Kate observed.

"The wild alpha male, comfortable in his natural habitat, confronts the leader of the pack and attempts to assert dominance," JJ mocked in a nasal tone, causing Kate to snicker and Reid to cringe at the poor impression.

" _I am not using beard extensions, Morgan!_ _"_ Hotch roared from his office, making everyone in the bullpen jump. " _This is all natural, I grew it myself-"_

"In _one_ night?!" Reid stood up and slammed his paperwork down onto his desk. "I can't listen to this any longer. Someone come find me when they're done."

It was time to pay Garcia a visit, he decided.

**o o o**

Garcia wasn't surprised when Reid stormed into her office, snacking on popcorn as she watched the fiasco in the bullpen from the comfort of her security camera feed.

"I cannot _believe_ those two!" he yelled as he entered, not pausing as he slammed the door to her office behind him. "How old do they think they are? Twelve?!"

"Uh, okay, calming down for the sake of the delicate electronic equipment I need to keep my job here would be nice," Garcia fretted, moving her popcorn away from Reid and his angrily flailing arms.

"Do you know how frustrating it is to have no cold water, Penelope? _Do you?_ Because Hotch _clearly_ doesn't. And yes, I know I caused the problem myself by replacing the cylinder but at this point after six months of no cold water I don't care who's fault it is, I just want the problem _fixed_ -"

"Spencer, I'm sure that the bossman and Chocolate Thunder will grow out of it eventually-"

" _Don't_ start with the Chocolate Thunder shtick," Reid hissed, pointing a finger in her face as he hissed at her. "it's only going to encourage Morgan, which will in turn encourage Hotch, which will in turn make me angry, which will in turn make me give you _pain._ "

"Okay, I get it," Garcia nodded hastily, rolling away from Reid's pointer finger on her chair. "It's irritating me too, if I'm honest. What if we go on a case? Are you all just gonna have to put up with Hotch and Morgan trying to rip each other's chins off?"

"God, probably," Reid muttered, massaging his forehead. "Look, the BAU can't go on like this. It's been a week and nobody's any closer to a solution. Any ideas?"

Garcia paused to purse her lips. "Sam did recently buy a heavy-duty razor. Convenient timing, right?"

"Neither of them are going to let us get anywhere close to their faces," Reid pointed out.

"Not if we incapacitate them with some kind of…substance," Garcia mused. "Like in their food…or in their coffee. Just a thought."

Reid paused to think. "Sometimes you scare me, Garcia. But at this point I'm desperate for any solution, so let's try it."

**o o o**

Morgan came to slowly, groaning as he struggled to figure out what the hell had just happened. It was dark outside, the bright lights above him - wherever he was - were killing him, and there was a figure sitting opposite him against the wall.

"Hotch?" he muttered slowly, blinking as he tried to regain full consciousness. Then he noticed something that instantly jolted him back to full awareness. "You shaved your beard!" he crowed, his joy only increasing as he saw Hotch's defeated expression.

"Maybe you should try looking in the mirror," was all his boss muttered. Morgan ignored him.

"I guess I win," he began to gloat, only for his stomach to drop as he realised he was tied up. "Wait, what the hell?"

"We've been kidnapped," Hotch muttered grimly.

"Kidnapped? This is your office," Morgan replied, trying to break his handcuffs and failing miserably.

"For your information, you've been shaved too."

"What?!" Morgan looked desperately over to the window and stifled a gasp as he saw his chin - and no beard. "Goddammit!" he yelled, kicking his legs. "Did you do this?!"

"I'm tied up too, Morgan," Hotch replied, rolling his eyes. "Try asking our resident evil genius over there."

Morgan glanced to wear Hotch was glancing over to and saw Reid sitting comfortably at Hotch's desk, holding up a razor triumphantly. "Did you sleep well?" he asked with a disarming smile.

"Did _you_ do this?!" Morgan asked incredulously. "Let us go, goddammit!"

"Not yet," Reid answered, standing up and looming over them. "I have a few things to say first."

"How'd you even set this up?" Morgan asked in frustration.

"The coffee," Hotch realised, sighing and relaxing against his bonds in defeat.

"Reid gave you coffee too?" Morgan growled, giving Reid an accusatory glare. "I thought you were being nice!"

"No, Garcia gave me my coffee," Hotch answered with a frown. "But that means…"

"Baby Girl was involved in this?!" Morgan yelled, struggling against his bonds.

Reid nodded. "She lent me the razor and helped me drag Morgan in here. Speaking of that Morgan, I don't know how much of that 'muscle weight' you're carrying around is just fat, but judging by the effort we had to put in to dragging you here, I'd say at least half."

"You'll never get away with this," Morgan growled in response. "This is a felony, goddammit! There's security cameras for this exact reason-"

"Garcia took care of that as well," Reid interrupted. "She deleted all the footage."

"Son of a bitch-" muttered Morgan, but Reid interrupted him.

"I hope you realise why I've done this," he began. "You realise you're making the BAU look like incompetent monkeys? Rossi was too embarrassed to come out of office during your little rant today. _Rossi_ was too embarrassed, and believe me Rossi has made plenty of scenes in the bullpen."

"In hindsight I realise that," Hotch started, but Reid kept talking.

"Here's what's going to happen," Reid interrupted again. "Your faces are clean-shaven right now, thanks to me. They will stay that way _forever._ Do you understand?"

Both Hotch and Morgan nodded, the latter rolling his eyes and mouthing something about jealousy that Reid couldn't grow a beard. He decided to let it go, on the basis that one more loud argument today would probably kill him.

"Good," Reid smiled sweetly. "And if I see a beard on any of your faces in the next decade, I'm shaving both your heads."


End file.
